1momkeepingitreal

When I was younger, I always wanted to be a mom and then a grandma.  It was something I just knew!  My grandparents helped raise me and my cousins.  We lived with them often.  House alway full of noise and chaos.  3 bedrooms & 1 bath, sometimes up to 11 people living there.  And we were happy.  I didn’t know anything else. 

My grandparents never went to work. Not that I can recall anyway.  Even on the weekends I would go stay overnight at my great Gramma’s house.  She didn’t have a job either.  I recall always having grandparents with me.  

I thought one day I would be like that.  A grandparent who would have the grandkids all the time.  However, life and circumstances have completely turned that around for me.  This is not what I had expected.  I have been questioning my role as a Nani.  Being as it is not what I grew up with knowing.  

Then I talked to my cousin, and she brought a clearer perspective to me.  We (our generation) are not like those of the past.  We work, we have busy schedules and lives.  In our home my husband and I both work.  More often than not we work 50+ hours a week each.  We have a daughter in her senior year of high school and with the other 4 kids growing up so damn fast we are trying to hold onto these last school moments like never before.  

We also are still young at heart.  My grandparents at this very age were already sleeping in separate rooms and I do not recall them ever going out on a date.  I love going on dates with my husband.  He is my other half.  Harley rides, retirement talks and planning for our next chapter is life at this moment. 

I love our grandkids with all my heart.  I love spending time with them.  I love having them over to visit.  I also love going to their homes for a visit.  Yet, I love the quiet time at my house.  Not sure if it is the fact I work in a very noisy environment or that I am physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the week.  I have no clue how my grandparents put up with or dealt with all the noise from us kids.  It was always chaos!  

All I know is that a visit is perfect for me.  I get to love on them, talk to them and hear about all their exciting things happening.  I thought I would be that gramma who had them sleeping over and would be taking them from their parents.  Truth be told, I am not that grandparent.  I have been kicking myself for NOT being what I thought I “should” be.  After much thought and talking to other grandparents my age we have agreed that this is a whole different world we live in.  We do not have gray hair wrapped in buns and wearing an apron. (we have amazing people who hide our gray for us)

We are kick ass, take no shit, young at heart, love on our grandbabies Nani’s & Papa’s. We still work, love our kids, and adore our grandkids.  It is ok to NOT be the parents to our grandkids.  They have parents.  We are allowed to visit them.  To spoil them and to NOT feel bad for not doing sleepovers or taking them on big trips.   It’s ok to listen to our kids and if they request, we not give the kids cookies for dinner, then by gosh I will not be giving them cookies for dinner. I recall many times I would ask my parents to NOT do something, and I was told…. “we are the grandparents and when they are at our house the rules are different”.  Love my parents and miss them, but that is not ok. 

I thought I would be heartbroken at the mere thought of Emma going off to college.  Yet here she is applying for college, and I am finding it bittersweet like so many other things over the past several years.  I am excited for her.  I will miss her.  But I am also a little excited to be alone with my husband.  He and I have NEVER been alone.  I had 3 kids when we got together.  From day 1 we were a full-blown family.  Then when those 3 were 10, 12, and 14 yrs old we had number 4 and he was followed 2 years later by number 5.  The final baby in our crazy family. 

To say it’s been a crazy ride is putting it mildly.  However, I would not change a thing.  After all this beating myself up I am finally accepting that this is simply who I am.  A Nani who loves all of her grandbabies more than life itself.  But one who also loves down time and quiet.  I am a great Nani. I am just not the Nani I had envisioned all those years ago. 

Much love to my babies, Elliott, Ryley, Charlie, Emery, Justin, Mateo, Sawyer, Cayden, & Alex.  You all fill my heart and soul with love I never knew existed.  I am one truly blessed Nani.